Substitute Teacher - First and Third Grade Style

So this week I've substitute taught twice as a parent volunteer, you know, because I'm a giver.

And after spending a morning with first graders and another morning with third graders all that is flowing through my mind is "because I said so" and "no, you can't go to the restroom/nurse's office for the umpteenth time."

Fried.

My brain is fried. And for some reason I'm finding it hard to be nice to my own children. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because they're part of that first and third grade pool that wore me out.

First graders and third graders are vastly different. For example:

First graders say to you concerning the Band-aid on your face, "What's on your face?"
Third graders say nothing but stare at it in horror the whole time you're talking to them.

First graders will run, greet, and hug you when you walk in the door. (OK. That was just my first grader.)
Third graders cringe with horror when you walk in the door and whisper secretly to you, "Don't hug me Mom." (OK. That was just my third grader.)

First graders do what you tell them to do, when you tell them to do it.
Third graders discuss with each other what you tell them to do, when you tell them to do it.

First graders will be more than happy to tell you about all of the classroom rules and who's not following them.
Third graders will be more than happy to tell you nothing. They much prefer to let you flounder and see what they can get away with.

First graders tell you you're beautiful, and they love your sweater.
Third graders give you a nickname that includes the phrase "old lady."

First graders love a good bribe.
Third graders love a good bribe.

I used the bribe a lot.

It involved candy.

Nothing like a good bribe with candy.

So what if the kids are all juiced up that last hour of class?

After all, I only do this twice a year.

Thank God.

And that brings me to my last difference between first graders and third graders.

First graders beg you stay for lunch just so they can sit at the special lunch table for visitors and invite one of their best friends to join you, proud that you are their Mom.

Third graders? Yeah. Not so much. But after school, away from the scrutiny of their third grade friends, they ask you, "Mom. Why were you so mean?"

And that, that right there makes it all worth while.

National Mom's Nite Out, a.k.a. Where Kelly Puts Her Foot In It

OK for me, having a blog is a good thing. You see in person, I have just a little problem with my edit button. And my blog, well it offers that gentle pause that really is good for a person like me to have.

No really.

A pause is good.

Recently, however, there was an offer I couldn't refuse.



And I, ack, signed up!

Oh Lord. What have I done? I'm just praying I don't alienate the entire Okie blogging community in one fail swoop.

Do you think they'll think it's weird if I take my laptop and type in every one of my responses to give myself that gentle pause?

I know, I know. I would get a whole other reputation for that one.

Oh man.

I think I'm going to throw up.

Kelly-1, Sun-Too Many to Count

Although most days I'm a laugh out loud funny girl, sometimes I don't feel so funny; I don't feel like making jokes. I don't feel like laughing. I don't feel like being around people. During those times I feel quiet and introspective. Today was one of those days.

Today I went to the Dermatologist to have some moles checked. If you're a member of one side of my family, you can just assume that the annual mole check will be part of your life. And today I started what I'm sure will be my never ending battle with the sun and my skin.

Most of my moles looked normal to the Physician's Assistant, thank goodness. But one of the things on my face was so odd that the Physician's Assistant said, "Hmmmm...I don't know what that is. I think I'll go get the Doctor."

So that's never a good sign.

I'm not worried, however, because for some reason I just know that what's on my face really isn't anything worth worrying about.

It's not anything like my husband's friend who didn't even realize he had Melanoma until the tumor grew out of his neck. It's not like anything like my husband's friend who's Melanoma's source was never found. It's not anything like my husband's friend who's Melanoma coursed through his entire body, eventually taking his brain, and two weeks later his life.

I don't know how I know it's not like my husband's friend, but I do. It's not the same at all.

So when the Physician's Assistant, at the request of the Doctor, took a biopsy of the growth that's appeared on my face I was calm. I just knew that everything was going to be OK.

So why, if everything is going to be OK, am I not feeling funny today? Why do I not feel like making jokes?

I think it's perhaps because I know that every time I battle the sun at the Dermatologist's office from now on, I'm not going to be able to walk through those office doors without remembering my husband's friend. I'm going to remember my husband's reaction as I listened to him talk about his friend's deteriorating body. I'm going to remember his wife and three kids at the funeral as they showed the family's last pictures together. I'm going to remember watching his kids at school the following weeks, studying them from afar as I tried to understand what they must be feeling.

And when I remember all of those moments for some reason, laughing and making jokes just doesn't seem like an option.

Melanoma-it's not so funny.

And joking and being laugh out loud girl? Well not today.

Maybe tomorrow. You know because tomorrow...everything will be OK.

Tweet! It's Friday!

Sometimes I go back re-read my tweets from Twitter, usually after I've been followed by someone I think is totally awesome to make sure that I don't come off as a total doof! And you know what I've discovered, I can almost tell a story with my tweets. They show my moods. They show what I'm thinking. They sometimes tell the story of my week in a few 140 character or less entries.

So I thought it would be interesting on Fridays to share with you what I've been tweeting. I'm calling it

Tweet! It's Friday!

I could call it It's-Friday-&-My-Brain-Is-Fried-So-I'm-Making-You-Look-At-My-Tweets-Instead-Of-Being-More-Creative, but really that's too long. Isn't it?

Anyway...here we go...the unedited Kelly in all her glory.

• Looking for a miracle from the make-up this morning! Good...yawn...morning!
• So of course the day I need to catch a flight the kids' bus is slow to get here.
• Nerding out to Rush this morning. "Rockin' da base!"
• So what does this here "airplane button" do on this here iPhone?
• Hotel charging for wireless. Caesars #fail.
• For some reason 1/2 the people in this casino remind me of the lyric, "No sleep 'til Brooklyn!". I'm so going to get Da Husb. booty kicked!
• Jumbo Pina Colada is gone. Kelly has a sad.
• I'm deciding which casino to lose my money to today.
• Have decided that a Sunday is the perfect day for a pub crawl down the Vegas strip. 1st stop-ESPN Sports Zone via New York New York
• Hanging out in Vegas airport. Everybody here is looking grumpy and tired. Lol
• Hello Denver! Denver, I hardly know her. Wait. That doesn't even make sense.
• Every time I get ready to fly these days, I get dressed to go & think, "How well would these shoes last on Lost island?"
• Hi! tweeps! Today I start t/ only-a-few-weeks-until-I-have-to-get-into-a-bathing-suit-freak-out-diet/workout-program.Stupid Vegas Gluttony.
• When you have a relative who cries wolf your whole relationship, it's hard to know how to feel about an midnight emerg. phone call.
• Analyzing the family budget...refusing to believe that me having room service EVERY day is not possible. #wishing I was still on vacation
• So I vacuumed the couch out before the upholsterer came to pick it up, rip it apart & recover it. I think I have a problem.
• If 9 to 5 the Musical comes to my town, I may just have to go. I loved that movie and knew all of the songs. Don't you judge me.
• Scrambled eggs and an apple: The lunch of a dieting-I-need-to-go-to-the-grocery-store champion.
• The only way this pack of sugar free gum would keep me from snacking is if I could eat the whole pack.
• 1st day of diet, hunger, &grumpy hungries. So the yelling anti-Obama dad @ gymnastics needs to shut it or I'm going to embarrass my kids.
• So that absent minded thing that caused my son to leave the garage door open all night last week? Well he got it from his Mother. Kelly#fail
• Just saw the cutest 1st grade presentation of "Frog and Toad." Days like these make me glad to be a Mom.
• Have decided to not get the new Monk iPhone app. as I have have my own RL Monk living in my house. Da Husband, a.kiddinglyk.a. "Monk"
• So it's almost dinner time, and I still feel like I just woke up. Probably should go to bed early tonight.
• Having hilarious memories of my friend's God awful Fiero. Anyone else out there with Fiero memories?
• So I bought a juicer today. Already gone through a pound of carrots. I don't think this is going to be the cost effective way to go.
• Am feeling all Zen this morning. Or it could be delirium. Insomnia reared it's ugly head again last night.
• So projected high of 89F today seems a little to close to 90F.
• OK. Before I complain about the weather I should really should learn the difference between to, too, and two. Is it nap time already?
• I personally would like to smooch the sleep gods who finally let me sleep after days of insomnia. ***SMOOCH***
• Dear little children, I've laid out your clothes, snack, & lunch. What is so complicated about getting out the door on time every morning?
• Da Boy has set a record for last min requests for school needs via phone a call:"I need U to bring me a towel."When do U need it?"In 5 min."

And that was my week. It was a pretty good one that included a trip to Vegas, good shows from the kids, and well starting a diet...again.

How was yours?

To Joke or Not To Joke

So last week my husband's friend, a guy who's career includes a lot of speaking engagements, said that he never uses jokes or humor in his speeches.

The first thing I thought was, "Wow, this guy has got to be a barrel of laughs."

But then the husband explained why. His friend said that he doesn't joke because there isn't a joke or humorous comment out there that doesn't offend somebody somewhere, and really there's no place for offensive behavior in professional situations.

I've been thinking about that statement for a while. You see humor, well that's who I am. I am really not a person that takes life too seriously. I am constantly making jokes. And humor, well that's my coping mechanism when life gets a little tough. It's how I survive.

However last year, my humor got me in trouble. You see I lost a whole group of friends because apparently they weren't too pleased about my jokes concerning things happening to me in my life that I posted on my blog. It was a pretty painful, isolating experience. And after remember this experience I really had to pause and think, is there really something to this not using humor?

For days I thought about this question. Then I happened on a Dr. Suess quote put up on Facebook by a wise friend named Myrna Weinreich.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind."

You know sometimes I think the universe speaks to us just when we need it, just when self-doubt starts to take over. All you have to do is listen carefully. I'm just glad I was listening the day I found that quote. For after listening I came to a conclusion. My humor making? Well, it's here to say. It's who I am. It's really not something that I can ever change without completely losing me. And just as the universe wants the man who doesn't like to use humor in professional speech making, maybe the girl who writes funny things about her life is just what the universe wants as well.

And just in case you thought I got a little too serious on you with this entry...

Da Husband called me late tonight hours after his soccer game ended to tell me he was going to be late because he's getting advice about Da Boy's soccer career from one of his fellow players.

I replied, "Oh, so that's what they call 'drinking beer with my buddies' now." Who knew?

Wordless Wednesday - Red Popsicles

For more Wordless Wednesday go here, here, and enjoy!

My Poor Morning Talking Son

I am not a morning person. OK. That's not completely true. I am actually at my most efficient in the morning. But I don't like to talk about it. In fact I don't like to talk at all in the morning.

I got it from my Father.

I learned this when I was doing an internship my Father's office during college. We were riding into work together very, very early in the morning (because for some reason Dads always insist upon going to work hours before anybody else gets there). It was my first day, so I was chatting away at my Father with nervous energy. Finally he said to me shortly, "Kelly. I don't really like to talk in the mornings."

Well OK then. And now that I'm older, I get it. There's nothing worse than being half awake, foggy and hearing a steady drone in your ears. In fact I now hate talking so much in the mornings that on a recent trip I gave the cab driver a big tip simply because he didn't talk to me early in the morning.

(The cab driver yesterday who insisted on telling me about his entire life, however, not so much. And that reminds me. I think when you get in a cab the driver should ask "Where to?" and then add "Chat or no chat?" Really, it would save so much trouble.)

So this morning when my 10 year old son got up chattering as usual (oh yeah, big time morning talker...actually he's an as-long-as-I'm-awake-I'm-talking-talker), it took everything I had not to say, "Little B. I don't really like to talk in the mornings." I figure I'll save that juicy little tidbit for when he's older and less sensitive, like when he's in college, to carry on the family tradition you know.

However, my 7 year old daughter? Well she had different plans.

"Yada, yada, yada...enough with the talking this morning. Gah Little B! Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."she said while making the talking and stop motion with her hands.

Nice.

And yes. It did take everything I had not to laugh and instead reprimand her for being so mean to her brother.

Awwwww, Poor Little B!

It's got to be hard to be a morning talker in a house full of non-morning talkers. I hope someday he finds that special someone to talk to him in the mornings. But if I were him, until that special day, I'd stay away from his sister...oh and probably Grandpa too.

Oklahoma Really Is Just a Small Town

I am having the craziest day!

This morning I get this e-mail from an online friend who lives far away but is still in my state that says, "I just have to ask. Did your husband used to work at so and so?"

OK. So so and so is exactly where he used to work. And the first thing that pops into my mind is, "Yay! I have my first stalker!"

(You know because having a stalker means you're a great blogger.)

But then I say to myself after it occurs to me that I really don't know this person, "Yay! I have my first stalker?"

And then I say to myself as horrible thoughts of horrible things happening to me run through my mind, "Craptastic. I have my first stalker."

(By the way..I'm not big on the cursing in blog thing, but you have to know that adding -tastic to any curse word makes it OK. Well at least to me. Oh and yes...Cr*p is a bad word. Just ask my Mom. Though you might want to watch out as she has this thing for washing out potty mouths with soap.)

So I e-mail this person back and say, "Why yes he did. And, well, can you please tell me how you know that?"

(Or something like that. I really probably should have kept the e-mail just in case she were a real stalker.)

And then in what seemed like forever and a day I get a reply back.

Apparently we have a mutual friend, and one day she mentioned something she had read from my blog. (I don't know what, but I'm sure it was something totally entertaining.) Our mutual friend said, "Wait. Are you talking about Kellyology?"

Woot!

Not only do I not have a stalker, but...

I'm famous too!

(Here you may want to get a pin or something to try to pop my swollen head. Or you can do the Kelly's "I'm Famous" dance with me. It's kind of like the "It's Your Birthday" dance. Try it. It's fun!)

But that's not everything...

So yesterday I signed up to go to a little local shindig, which is what my stalker and I were originally talking about, to celebrate National Mom's Nite Out. And in regards to the get together I get a tweet from one of my local online friends, @ajsouthern of The Southern Family. After asking if I'm going she says, "I'm going with my friend @thatsbaloney. Do you know her?"

So I go on over to her website, a cute little site called That's Baloney, and guess what! I used to buy Usborne books from her--locally.

Holy Moly!

You know I used to say to my friends when they would comment that I seem to know everybody, that it was just because my town is really just a small town, and I've lived in the state almost my entire life. But really now...this is getting ridiculous.

I mean when your online life gets mixed in with your real life life...what's a girl who has a problem with her edit button to do?

Oh well.

I guess I just have to accept the fact that Oklahoma? It really is just a small town.

She's ba-a-a-a-ck!

Why hello!

You're still here?

Really?

That's fantastic!

Why?

Well, I've decided to bring the old girl back.

***applause, applause***

Oh stop.

***applause, applause***

No really.

***applause, cheers, applause***

Stop.

***Kelly sheds a tear.***

You guys are too kind.

So bear with me as I work on getting everything back to order.

Oh, and I'm looking for a visual re-vamp so any tips or helpful sites you'd like to recommend to me would be great! Or if anyone wants to give me any free headers or anything....

No?
Maybe?

Maybe?